I didn't win the lottey tonight even though I thought it would be in the cosmic order of things for my ultimately shitty day to be rectified with millions upon millions of dollars.
It was a long day filled with moments of me asking myself "why am I doing this", "why is this happening", "how did I get here?" . A day that at the end of it you wish you had a jacuzzi, some blackberry wine and an imminent vacation to distract you from the sour feeling in the pit of your stomach and the aches in your muscles.
I work with elderly people daily. It isn't a nursing home, but it is an assisted living program for individuals with various degrees of mental retardation and a plethora of other mental illnesses. Most days, I love what I do. I love that I get the opportunity to help enrich the lives of this incredibly special popuplation of indviduals. I love the people I take care of, I love hearing that all the small things that I do on a daily basis are appreciated and noted. Who doesn't love to have their ego stroked now and again? As human beings it's a driving factor to be "needed". It's motivating to be complimented.
But it's also very human to feel beat down in spite of all of the upsides on days when you feel like an american turned loose on European roadways for the first time. Your doing exactly what you would be doing on most days of your life, but somehow it's all wrong.
It's terrifying to watch people get old and break down. To watch people normally filled with vitality fade away and become husks of their former selves. Someone dear to me that I take care of is just like that....and it plucks at my already super sensitive heart strings.
I need a vacation, some time away to do some living. To paint, to express all of these things that are churning and turning inside of me. To relax and let go of all the baggage I'm carrying around from work. To worry about what it is that I want to do, to put myself first and not feel guilty about that.
I'm tired. I'm emotionally drained. I have a case of the Monday's.
Sometimes we have to just delve into the darker sides of ourselves. Sometimes we have to feel sad, to mourn , to be angry and lost so that we can move forward with a better grasp of our limitations. Without that expression, we stunt our own emotional growth.
Don't be afraid to FEEL! It's when you stop caring, when you stop getting angry and hurt that you can be concerned for yourself.
Just breathe and endure.
“Endurance is nobler than strength and patience than beauty.”- John Ruskin