Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's a Fire

"Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death."
Arthur Schopenhaue

I am on fire with feeling. I am experiencing this day with exposed nerve endings, each brush of kindness setting my heart and mind ablaze. I look outward and feel love for each person I encounter. Harsh words have broken my heart a thousand times and quickened the defenses of that muscle that makes my life so full. I am walking hand in hand with nostalgia, her cold, transparent fingers touching my minds eye with each familiar smell, sight, touch. She doesn't care if her reverie brings about tears or smiles, her only intent to show me the vast stores of her memory.

I am happy to remember, even those moment that brought me pain. I am living each moment of my life. My heart is open, and while it is not the young, feverish thing that it once was, it beats strong and true with a depth I would not have considered possible years ago. Those things I loved, those things I feared, those things I couldn't live without, those things that I never knew I needed have all nourished me.

My skin fits.

I have felt empty a time or two during my life...numb but tormented with the dull ache of dissatisfaction.
I have never been more terrified of anything than that sensation.

I have those doubtful moments when those things that I perceive as wrong in my life reek havoc on my spirit. My mind lays siege to my heart, accusing it of recklessness and weakness...and instead of raging, the very essence of who I am grows quiet and still and listens. It takes the wounded thoughts that plant those seeds of doubt and holds them gently and with compassion. It see's them for what they are, joys turned to fear, trust turned to doubt, and forgives them.
"Be kind to yourself..." This has become my mantra. I realized long ago that my greatest foe was the person who I felt I should be. Today, I love the person I am, flaws and all. I am working towards abandoning expectation and appreciating what is. On bad days, I cry. On good days, I laugh. When I'm angry, I sometimes say too much. I forgive myself. I love myself. I am a human being, bound up in so much skin and heat and I will be what I will be.

Monday, January 2, 2012


I take a breathe and hold it, savoring the warmth burning ever so slightly in my chest as it waits to be released back from which it came. It rushes past half parted lips, and leaves the space it once filled empty.
Long, deep, inhale. Exhale. Again. Again. Again.
Slow and rhythmic. My mind slows to meet this new pace.
Focus on the breath. It is my anchor in a world that was moving much too fast only seconds before. The world. Heart ache. Exuberance. Obligation. Excitement. Responsibility. Curiosity. Pain. Worry.
With this breathe, allow them to ebb out.
That's it, push them gently away. Your mind does not need their company this night. Focus on the breath, let it lead you back to peace.

Meditation has truly changed my life. I know I'm always going on and on about it, but I can't say it enough. I'm far from being some guru on a mountain somewhere eating granola and wearing robes made from the finest hemp, but it gives my overactive mind a much needed time out at the end of the day.

Only Heart

Is there any feeling that makes the soul feel smaller than that of indifference?

I am learning to be my own best friend, to comfort myself at times when those people that I have allowed into this heart of mine have not tended it in the way that it needs.
Tread cautiously, would be caretaker, this heart is riddled with wounds that will always be sensitive. As I get older, I realize how much more difficult it is to find someone who refuses to allow cynicism and reluctance govern their actions in matters of the heart. Someone who see's the potential in loving fully even if the risk is magnified.
How easy it would be to simply say "No more, I am done with you love. I am done with your risk, your intensity, your battles, your fickleness."
That is not my path. I will rage onward, heart bruised but still beating on my sleeve.


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