Some Nights

"We are moons, we throw ourselves around each other We are oceans, being controlled by the pull of another..." As the night comes, my thoughts stop racing and I have time to actually think. I appreciate the quiet, the stillness, the calm. Being alone with your own thoughts can be a daunting task and looking inward is often life changing...sometimes for the good, sometimes not so much. However, I believe in confronting life head on, thus being the captain that steers my fate in the direction best suited for it. On nights where my heart is heavy and full with old hurts, I let myself feel it just as I would let myself rejoice in life's pleasant experiences. I express it, either with tears or a few strokes of my paintbrush. I cook lavish meals for no one. I listen to Adele and Mumford and Sons and sing/sob along with it. I call close friends and rage about old and new injustices simultaneously tying them together in my grief...and in being my friend they listen without judgement and throw in a few "fuck that!"'s for good measure because they love me. This is the best reason to use profanity, because you love someone. It's a hug through a phone line when real hugs can't be given. Coping is now a skill rather than an instinct in this age. Our society has bred its masses to suppress any excessive feeling. When we are happy, we should smile but never shout. When we are sad, we should cry but not sob. Rocking the boat will result in a dreaded label...shit stirrer, psycho, unstable...you get my drift. The number of individuals with anxiety disorders continues to rise because they are terrified of not living up to expectation, never realizing they aren't living. I have crossed oceans of progress to be where I am...and I still have miles to go. Again, I am thankful for quiet nights and reflection. I am proud of myself for being brave and letting my mind wander. I rejoice in my ability to act a fool in good and bad times. I hope to do so my whole life and provide an example for those that spend entirely too much time worrying what other people think. This is my life, and while people may join me for the ride and live with me, they can never live it for me. Hold on kiddies, the ride isn't an easy one, and I have no planned destination, but I'll be damned if the journey isn't fun.

Sentimental Fools

Friendship IXX by Khalil Gibran


And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."

Your friend is your needs answered.

He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.

For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."

And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

I found this beautiful and wanted to share it. I am thankful for the many friendships, strong and true, that I have earned in my lifetime.

We Are Stars

Oh night, the comfort you provide after a day that is too bright and moves too fast.

The sun is warm, but I will take your chill and softness over her intensity any day.

You soothe, lull and restore me.

You are dark so that your children may shine. You are the keeper of dreams, fantasy and forever.

I slow down to pay homage to you, to appreciate your quiet spaces and the beauty I find there.

Peace is mine, stars reflecting in my eyes as I gaze upward.
They are your love letter to the world that I never tire of reading.

Skin

This is a bit more bold than I normally write...so if you're squeamish, perhaps this is not the post you're looking for

I breathe fire when your well worked hands skillfully find their way to my core.

I take that heat, I take all of you, and I taste the ocean, salty and warm.

Intensity. I am water converting to steam.

Instead of your name I say please… I must ask before pleasure takes me.
Your answer lingers on your lip, forcing me to ride this wave. I must brave this storm for you, this sweet and sweeping wave of expectation.

I am released. I am this moment. I am bliss. You join me and we drift, clinging.
Legs intertwined, fingers laced, we are infinity bound in skin.

It's a Fire

"Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death."
Arthur Schopenhaue

I am on fire with feeling. I am experiencing this day with exposed nerve endings, each brush of kindness setting my heart and mind ablaze. I look outward and feel love for each person I encounter. Harsh words have broken my heart a thousand times and quickened the defenses of that muscle that makes my life so full. I am walking hand in hand with nostalgia, her cold, transparent fingers touching my minds eye with each familiar smell, sight, touch. She doesn't care if her reverie brings about tears or smiles, her only intent to show me the vast stores of her memory.

I am happy to remember, even those moment that brought me pain. I am living each moment of my life. My heart is open, and while it is not the young, feverish thing that it once was, it beats strong and true with a depth I would not have considered possible years ago. Those things I loved, those things I feared, those things I couldn't live without, those things that I never knew I needed have all nourished me.

My skin fits.

I have felt empty a time or two during my life...numb but tormented with the dull ache of dissatisfaction.
I have never been more terrified of anything than that sensation.

I have those doubtful moments when those things that I perceive as wrong in my life reek havoc on my spirit. My mind lays siege to my heart, accusing it of recklessness and weakness...and instead of raging, the very essence of who I am grows quiet and still and listens. It takes the wounded thoughts that plant those seeds of doubt and holds them gently and with compassion. It see's them for what they are, joys turned to fear, trust turned to doubt, and forgives them.
"Be kind to yourself..." This has become my mantra. I realized long ago that my greatest foe was the person who I felt I should be. Today, I love the person I am, flaws and all. I am working towards abandoning expectation and appreciating what is. On bad days, I cry. On good days, I laugh. When I'm angry, I sometimes say too much. I forgive myself. I love myself. I am a human being, bound up in so much skin and heat and I will be what I will be.

Breathe

I take a breathe and hold it, savoring the warmth burning ever so slightly in my chest as it waits to be released back from which it came. It rushes past half parted lips, and leaves the space it once filled empty.
Long, deep, inhale. Exhale. Again. Again. Again.
Slow and rhythmic. My mind slows to meet this new pace.
Focus on the breath. It is my anchor in a world that was moving much too fast only seconds before. The world. Heart ache. Exuberance. Obligation. Excitement. Responsibility. Curiosity. Pain. Worry.
With this breathe, allow them to ebb out.
That's it, push them gently away. Your mind does not need their company this night. Focus on the breath, let it lead you back to peace.

Meditation has truly changed my life. I know I'm always going on and on about it, but I can't say it enough. I'm far from being some guru on a mountain somewhere eating granola and wearing robes made from the finest hemp, but it gives my overactive mind a much needed time out at the end of the day.

Only Heart

Is there any feeling that makes the soul feel smaller than that of indifference?

I am learning to be my own best friend, to comfort myself at times when those people that I have allowed into this heart of mine have not tended it in the way that it needs.
Tread cautiously, would be caretaker, this heart is riddled with wounds that will always be sensitive. As I get older, I realize how much more difficult it is to find someone who refuses to allow cynicism and reluctance govern their actions in matters of the heart. Someone who see's the potential in loving fully even if the risk is magnified.
How easy it would be to simply say "No more, I am done with you love. I am done with your risk, your intensity, your battles, your fickleness."
That is not my path. I will rage onward, heart bruised but still beating on my sleeve.