Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's a Fire

"Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death."
Arthur Schopenhaue

I am on fire with feeling. I am experiencing this day with exposed nerve endings, each brush of kindness setting my heart and mind ablaze. I look outward and feel love for each person I encounter. Harsh words have broken my heart a thousand times and quickened the defenses of that muscle that makes my life so full. I am walking hand in hand with nostalgia, her cold, transparent fingers touching my minds eye with each familiar smell, sight, touch. She doesn't care if her reverie brings about tears or smiles, her only intent to show me the vast stores of her memory.

I am happy to remember, even those moment that brought me pain. I am living each moment of my life. My heart is open, and while it is not the young, feverish thing that it once was, it beats strong and true with a depth I would not have considered possible years ago. Those things I loved, those things I feared, those things I couldn't live without, those things that I never knew I needed have all nourished me.

My skin fits.

I have felt empty a time or two during my life...numb but tormented with the dull ache of dissatisfaction.
I have never been more terrified of anything than that sensation.

I have those doubtful moments when those things that I perceive as wrong in my life reek havoc on my spirit. My mind lays siege to my heart, accusing it of recklessness and weakness...and instead of raging, the very essence of who I am grows quiet and still and listens. It takes the wounded thoughts that plant those seeds of doubt and holds them gently and with compassion. It see's them for what they are, joys turned to fear, trust turned to doubt, and forgives them.
"Be kind to yourself..." This has become my mantra. I realized long ago that my greatest foe was the person who I felt I should be. Today, I love the person I am, flaws and all. I am working towards abandoning expectation and appreciating what is. On bad days, I cry. On good days, I laugh. When I'm angry, I sometimes say too much. I forgive myself. I love myself. I am a human being, bound up in so much skin and heat and I will be what I will be.

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