Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Some Nights

"We are moons, we throw ourselves around each other We are oceans, being controlled by the pull of another..." As the night comes, my thoughts stop racing and I have time to actually think. I appreciate the quiet, the stillness, the calm. Being alone with your own thoughts can be a daunting task and looking inward is often life changing...sometimes for the good, sometimes not so much. However, I believe in confronting life head on, thus being the captain that steers my fate in the direction best suited for it. On nights where my heart is heavy and full with old hurts, I let myself feel it just as I would let myself rejoice in life's pleasant experiences. I express it, either with tears or a few strokes of my paintbrush. I cook lavish meals for no one. I listen to Adele and Mumford and Sons and sing/sob along with it. I call close friends and rage about old and new injustices simultaneously tying them together in my grief...and in being my friend they listen without judgement and throw in a few "fuck that!"'s for good measure because they love me. This is the best reason to use profanity, because you love someone. It's a hug through a phone line when real hugs can't be given. Coping is now a skill rather than an instinct in this age. Our society has bred its masses to suppress any excessive feeling. When we are happy, we should smile but never shout. When we are sad, we should cry but not sob. Rocking the boat will result in a dreaded label...shit stirrer, psycho, get my drift. The number of individuals with anxiety disorders continues to rise because they are terrified of not living up to expectation, never realizing they aren't living. I have crossed oceans of progress to be where I am...and I still have miles to go. Again, I am thankful for quiet nights and reflection. I am proud of myself for being brave and letting my mind wander. I rejoice in my ability to act a fool in good and bad times. I hope to do so my whole life and provide an example for those that spend entirely too much time worrying what other people think. This is my life, and while people may join me for the ride and live with me, they can never live it for me. Hold on kiddies, the ride isn't an easy one, and I have no planned destination, but I'll be damned if the journey isn't fun.

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