Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Let it Go
There are days when the world breaks my heart. Nothing particular happens, but a thousand tiny "somethings" upset the precarious balance I've fought tooth and nail to achieve in this chaotic world. The techniques that I've been practicing, such as meditation and reflection are desperately insufficient weapons when the tidal wave of disappointment swallows my mind. The tiny monsters that have been pushed into the recesses of my mind whose names are "doubt", "fear", "hate", and "loneliness" are washed into the fore front, clouding the light that keeps them at bay. I am too tired to think past my misery and I am defeated in this moment. I am frantic, drowning, with arms and legs that have grown tired from treading a lifetime. I sink, slowly, cold quickly stealing the warmth from my flesh. I stop fighting and float, drifting down more quickly now. I can't see the world anymore. I can't heart the sparrows singing sweetly. I can't smell the roses blooming in my doorway. I taste only water, frigid and relentless. It tastes like every bad word spoken in angst. It tastes like every embarrassing moment where my gut curls and flutters. It tastes like every promise broken. It tastes like lovers drifting away from one another, quietly going deaf from the silence of all the words they never say. It tastes like half truths, restlessness, and the guilt of every wrong choice you have ever made. I open my eyes and see shadows swimming close. I float further still, suspended in my thoughts, lost and drifting in them without hope, without purpose, and without the will to pull myself out.